Cupcakes should have Warning Labels
by Ramzy

Question:  When a powerhouse picks on a cupcake to fill in its non-conference schedule, who wins?

Scenario 1: Powerhouse State blows out Cupcake U. 

Average fan sees this and says: “Powerhouse was picking on Cupcake and should have scheduled Contender U or Almost Good Tech. The bully picked on the little guy. Shame on the bully.” 

Verdict: Cupcake U wins with large payoff. Cupcake’s women’s field hockey team gets new shin pads.

Scenario 2: Powerhouse State beats Cupcake U unimpressively.

Average fan sees this and says: “Ha! Powerhouse must not be that good to be exposed by Cupcake. Powerhouse sucks! They should have blown them out! Go Cupcake!”

Verdict: Cupcake U wins large payoff and respect. Cupcake’s women’s field hockey team streaks through campus.

Scenario 3: Powerhouse State barely beats Cupcake U.

Average fan sees this and says: “Oh man! Powerhouse sucks! They’re going to drop in the polls! I can’t believe that over-hyped linebacker from Powerhouse beat up the punter from Cupcake like that on national television! What a pansy!”

Verdict: Cupcake U wins large payoff, respect, exposure. Cupcake’s women’s field hockey team’s next game televised by ESPN 2.

Scenario 4: Powerhouse State gets beat by Cupcake U.

Average fan sees this and says: “Ha! I knew they shouldn’t have gone to the Rose Bowl last year!”

Verdict: Cupcake U wins large payoff, respect, exposure, ticker-tape parade. Goal posts and Powerhouse fans are biggest losers of the week. Cupcake’s women’s field hockey team bake sale grosses millions.

Notice how in this extremely scientific case study, Powerhouse never once wins the scenario, even though they may win on the scoreboard. Sometimes strategies change when a good team plays a big underdog. The coaches say they’re going to treat Cupcake like any other team, but their play calling says otherwise. 

Let’s say that Powerhouse is playing, I don’t know, a 43-point in-state rival underdog whom they haven’t faced in almost 100 years. Since Powerhouse – who in this situation – isn’t in Florida, the coaches are going to play a very conservative, fundamentals-honing game, and they’re going to win, but not in exciting fashion. Also keep in mind that great teams throughout the country recruited Powerhouse’s players, in-state opponent did not receive any callbacks. They were too good to play there. Let the sleepwalking commence. 

I was counting

7 – people in Ohio Stadium who didn’t cheer when the MSU/ND score was announced

3 – ugly shades of orange that were on sport bar televisions across America Saturday night

39 – shots bought for the two Michigan fans watching the Syracuse/UM game at BW3 in Columbus (hope your Sunday was cheery, boys)

50 – rank, out of fifty, for state of Wisconsin sports this weekend – Packers and Badgers both lose to home underdogs; Sammy Sosa gives Brewers national exposure with home runs 60 and 61

1 – Big Ten teams without better records than Notre Dame

415 – receiving yards Ken-Yon Rambo would have had if Ohio State had used a normal game strategy

3/10 – chance this year’s Buckeyes have of beating a good team that runs the option 

This week

Cincinnati vs. Ohio State. The Badger killers invade Columbus. Wisconsin’s loss is Ohio State’s gain – perhaps the whole Buckeye team can raise their level of intensity from 10% to maybe even 30% this week. It got so bad vs. Ohio U that Reggie Germany actually fell asleep while running in motion and just fell over during Steve Bellisari’s cadence. The worse part was that nobody even noticed and they ran the play. Two yards. Wiley up the middle. Third and long. Thanks in advance, Wisconsin.  Ohio State 45, Cincinnati 6. 

Web sites of Interest

Scouting the Cincinnati Bearcats:

Cupcakes and Powerhouses are all taken seriously at

[back to commentary]

[Title]    [Home]   [99 Schedule/Results]   [Commentary]
[Recommended Reading]   [Buckeye Sites]   [Wallpaper Picker]
   [Search]   [NCAA Final Four]   [Jokes]   [OSU in the Polls]

Webmaster:  Tampa Bay Buckeye /
Page last updated on November 18, 2003.